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2008-03-19 . Anger in times of death
I think death makes me angry.My grandpa just died and I've never had anyone in my family die when I could really understand it before. I wasn't super close to him, but he was my grandpa. Every time I went home, I would visit him and talk. I didn't really grow up with him...and that might be why I'm angry about the whole thing.
When I was really young...young enough to think playing with fake shopping carts and food was FUN...my step-grandma decided we shouldn't be able to visit anymore (religious stuff and past offenses apparently). From then on, I didn't see or talk to my grandpa until she died (which was about 3 years ago I think). It went from visiting him ALL THE TIME to nothing. I don't really remember how I felt about then since I was so young, but when I got old enough to understand that we were basically cut out of his life, I didn't really get why. I hear different perspectives on it no matter who I talk to and it makes me angry that I'm not closer with extended family. I don't understand how he could just never see us because his wife didn't want to. I know that when we started seeing him again, it seemed like he felt so bad about not seeing us while we were growing up, but he never said sorry or anything. I want to say I know he felt guilty, but I don't know. I can just guess.
I just asked my sister if she cared that he died and she said, "I cared as much as I could." She didn't care. Her reason was, "Well I don't really remember him from any childhood memories." So unless you're in her repertoire of childhood memories, your death is not sad. That made me angry.
I'm kind of angry he never said sorry. I wonder what he thought of me.
"It's such a waste to always look behind you. You should be looking straight ahead. Yeah, I'm gonna have to move on."
--Jet
quotation: w.b. yeats photo: ronald raefle @ visipix.com
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